


Placeholder

by supersleepygoat



Category: Supernatural
Genre: ABO, Angst, F/M, Knotting, Rough Sex, Smut, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-17 22:29:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16982976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supersleepygoat/pseuds/supersleepygoat
Summary: Set mostly in Swan Song (5.22). You have loved Dean your entire life. But he presented as an Alpha and you became a Beta. You would give anything to be his Omega and to be enough for him. But, life doesn’t always work out that way.





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Voicemail. You shouldn’t be surprised. Dean Winchester is a hard man to get a hold of. He has a lot on his plate right now. You know the apocalypse is nigh so you understand if he’s a bit busy at the moment. You’ll try again later. 

You settle into your new motel room and think about the allusive Alpha. No matter what kind of day you have or what city you’re in, your thoughts always end up in same place, Dean Winchester. Thinking of him always makes you feel at home, even if you’re in some rundown seedy motel. 

You grew up together. Your parents hunted with John from time to time. They would dump you on Dean so he could babysit you while they went to work. He was just a kid himself but neither your parents nor John seemed to remember that fact. They treated Dean like he was a miniature adult. Even from a young age, you could see the responsibility weighing too heavily on his little shoulders. So, you tried to be as good as possible to lessen the burden. Not wanting to be an additional problem for Dean helped you grow up fast. Even though you were the same age as Sam, you helped Dean take care of him. You did everything in your power to take some of the weight off of Dean and carry it yourself.

Dean always appreciated your effort. He came to see you not as another kid he was stuck watching over, but as his equal. He didn’t protect you because he had to or your parents told him to. He protected you because he wanted to. You reminded him it’s okay to share the burden of responsibility. You also reminded him it is okay to be a kid once in a while. 

You would raid the vending machine at whatever motel your parents dumped you at and bring Dean arm loads of candy. John rarely left enough money for such indulgence. So, you took it upon yourself to steal the money from his wallet before he left. Dean only laughed when he found out how you paid for your treats. You taught him how pickpockets and he taught you how to get creative and use marshmallow fluff in mac and cheese. Back then, it was a give and take relationship. 

Things changed when you were thirteen. Your lifelong crush on the eldest Winchester brother hit an all new level. You were starting to understand that the feelings you had for him were not as brotherly as you once assumed. But you were thirteen and he was seventeen. Four years makes a huge difference at that age. 

You thought your crush was a one-sided pipe dream. You barely had breasts and yet Dean was paying off the school janitor to let him hook up in the utility closet. You saw the girls he hooked up with. They were beautiful. Meanwhile, you were awkward and just coming into your new body. You were a stupid child who was smitten with an impossible fantasy. You would give anything for him to see you as a mature and beautiful girl.

It was a random Friday night in the middle of October when your life changed. You settled in on the couch with Sam. You both assumed Dean would be leaving to go on a date any minute, as was his usual weekend routine. Instead, Dean flops down on the couch beside you and puts his arm around you. 

“What are watching?” Dean aks with a smile. 

“We’re watching a documentary on the Dark Ages. We just learned about them in class this week and it’s really cool-” Sam tries to explain but is cut off.

Dean groans. “Pass! We’re not spending our Friday night learning. We spent all week in school. You nerds need a break!” Dean reaches over you to steal the remote from Sam. 

Sam protests and snatches the remote away. The brothers start bickering and you slip off the couch. You don’t want to get in the middle of one of their brotherly brawls. You know them both well enough to know that this will no doubt end in a wrestling match. The brothers are known for their incessant rough housing. So, you slip away before you get dragged in. You don’t want to have to explain another black eye to your father. 

You slip into the bathroom and lock the door. You dig through your bathroom carrier and find what you were looking for. When you found out you’d be spending the next few weeks with the Winchester brothers, you snuck into your mom’s purse and stole a tube of her lipstick. She’s a fulltime hunter so makeup isn’t her priority, so she won’t be missing it. She only uses it when she goes undercover as an FBI agent. 

This is the first Friday night that Dean hasn’t had a date. The butterflies in your stomach set you one edge. There is a part of you that hopes he chose to stay home tonight because of you. You know it’s probably an insane thought. But just in case it’s not, you coat your lips in a thin layer of the pink lipstick. 

You give yourself a shy smile in the mirror. It doesn’t look half bad. 

You put the lipstick away and step back out into the main room. The boys have settled down. As usual, Dean had won control over what you will be watching. In some instances, Dean is not afraid to use his considerable size and strength over his brother to get what he wants. Sam vows one day the tables will turn. Dean only scoffs and tells his brother to keep dreaming. 

You resume your place in between the Winchesters. You’re hoping Dean will return his arm around your shoulder soon. You scoot a little closer so he’ll take the hint. But instead of catching Dean’s attention, you catch Sam’s.

“What’s on your face?” the tactless young man asks you. He has never seen you in makeup before. So, he is a little confused why you would pick now of all times to put some on. “Is that lipstick? Why the hell are you wearing makeup?” He reaches his hand out and smudges the corners of you lip. 

You pull away from him and cover your reddening cheeks with your hair. You were hoping the shade of pink was subtle enough that neither brother would think you were trying too hard. You were hoping it would accent your lips, and not make you look like clown. But by the way Sam is laughing at you, you obviously failed in that regard.

“Sammy,” Dean warns his brother. He can see you’re embarrassed. Your head is lowered and you are wiping off your lips with the back of your hand. Dean gives his brother a hardened glare. In Winchester language, that look told Sam to go for a walk and pick up dinner across the street. You don’t even realize Sam was gone until Dean hooks a finger under your chin and forces you to look up at him.

You try offering him a smile but it doesn’t reach your eyes. Your embarrassment is plain for the word to see, but it is only your world looking back at you.

“I’m sorry about Sam. I try like hell to teach that kid some manners but he’s still only thirteen. The filter in his brain isn’t fully developed yet.” The smile Dean offers you is intended to be reassuring but all you hear are his piercing words.

He thinks Sam is just a stupid kid. But you’re the same age as Sam. He no doubt thinks the same about you. 

“I-It’s okay, Dean. I was just trying something new. It was stupid.” You go to wipe the remaining lipstick off, but Dean stops you. 

“Don’t… it looks nice.” His thumb traces the edges of your lips. 

Your eyes widen as he leans forward. He moves slow, giving you enough time to move away. But you don’t, you never would. His soft lips meld onto yours. You’re not sure what to do. It’s your first kiss. You don’t want to do the wrong thing and gross him out. You are too caught up in your own thoughts to pay attention to what you’re doing. You never thought your first kiss would be with Dean. It was a fantasy you never thought would come true. 

Dean can feel how tense you are against him. He smiles against you. “Breathe, sweetheart,” he instructs you. You relax into him at the pet name. You return the kiss. You don’t know if you’re doing it right. The only thing you do know is that you can’t measure up to all the other girls he has kissed. So, you pull away. 

You cast your eyes down onto your lap. “I’m sorry,” you say because you’re not sure what else to say. You don’t know what you are sorry for. For stopping? For being a bad kisser? Either way you’re sorry. 

“What the hell for? I kissed you. Did you not want me to?” There is a hitch of worry in his voice. He thought the lipstick was for him. He’s known about your crush for a while now. He never acted on it because four years makes a huge difference at this age. But over the past few weeks something feels as though it is changing in him. He couldn’t hold back any longer. 

“I did… I do! It’s just…” you’re not sure what to say. You weren’t prepared for this. You were content pining in the background. It hurt but you had gotten used to it. You’re not sure how to handle the fact he may reciprocate your affection. 

“Can we try one more time? Just let me do all the work. I think you’ll like it,” Dean says with a coy smile. He doesn’t know why he is intent on pushing you. He got a taste but it wasn’t enough. It only made him want more. He wants one more kiss to make you feel as wanted as you make him feel. “If you’re not into it, just push me away. You tell me to stop, I’ll stop.”

You bite your lip but give him a slight nod of agreement. It feels like everything you want is within reach. You won’t let your insecurities keep you from experiencing your wildest dreams.

Dean leans forward again and captures your lips in a chaste kiss. He doesn’t push you for more. There is no tongue or demands. The kiss is sweet and soft. All your hesitancy and all your fears melt away as you melt into him. You feel so safe in his arms as he backs you up so you are lying against the arm of the couch. 

As the gentle kiss continues, you can smell the air shift around you. You don’t know what it is but it smells amazing. The scent wraps around you like a safety blanket and you feel at home. 

You find yourself opening your clenched teeth. You tongue peaks out to test the waters. You tickle his bottom lip. You could have sworn you heard a low rumble in his chest.

Dean goes to open his mouth and fully give you what you’re asking for, when the motel door swings open. He pulls off of you in an instant. 

You both turn to see your parents and John fuming in the doorway. You hadn’t expected them to return until tomorrow night. You sit up straight on the couch as if they don’t already know what you two were doing. 

You father comes over and grips your arm and yanks you off the couch. You stumble under the force of his tug and whimper in pain. Dean stands up and growls at your father’s rough handling of you. John steps between his son and your father. 

“I fucking knew it! It was only a matter of time before your idiot son presented as an Alpha! You Winchesters are all the same! Bullheaded Alphas who can’t keep it in their pants. I’m just glad we got here in time before he got his filthy Alpha hands over my precious girl!” your Beta father barks at John. 

You look over at Dean with widened eyes yet again. Alpha? Was Dean starting to present? Was that all this was? You know that when Alphas present they get really horny. Is that all that kiss was, an itch he was trying to scratch? 

It is as if Dean could read your thoughts. He shakes his head and stares you dead in the eye. His look tells you that that is not all this was. 

John scoffs and steps toward your father with his Alpha chest puffed out. “That is big talk coming from a coward like you.” John pokes at your father shoulder. His tone lowers to a threatening level. “I’d watch what you say about my family. I bet your ‘precious girl’  _ wishes _ she was good enough for a Winchester’s knot.” John defends his pack in the most vulgar and hurtful way imaginable. Little does he know, those his words will haunt you for the rest of your life. 

Your father grinds his teeth but doesn’t say a word to defend you. He knows better than to challenge the Alpha. It’s better if you just leave. Tears spring to your eyes as John’s words replay over and over in your mind. You are waiting for anyone, especially Dean, to jump in tell him you are good enough for his son. But no one makes a move. Dean doesn’t make a move. 

Your father shoves you into your mother’s waiting arms and she shuffles you out of the room. You spare one last look over your shoulder at Dean. His head is hung low. You call out for him but he turns his back to you. 

By the time Sam gets back with dinner, you are gone. 

You don’t see the Winchesters again for another nine years. By that time, both brothers are full blown Alphas. Those tiny shoulders of Dean’s that bore the weight of raising Sam, now have grown broad and wide to hold the weight of the world. 

In those nine years, both your parents and John had died in the line of duty. That is the only reason you were able to reconnect with the brothers. There is nothing and no one standing in your way. It was awkward at first but you soon fell into a comfortable rhythm. A few years had passed since you reconnected and things are more or less how they should be. Just as he had done as a kid, Sam teases you like the brother you never had. But things were different with Dean. You didn’t fall into your old routine of caring glances and comfortable banter. You fell into bed. 

You couldn’t complain. It was always a great time. Plus, he was your first. He showed you a whole new world. He let you explore your darkest desires without judgment or resistance. You two never regained the close relationship you had as kids. Instead, you exchanged love for lust. Of course, the love was always there on your end. That’s why you were always able to trust him in bed. But for him, he never returned your gestures of intimacy. He never wanted to cuddle after and never told you he loved you back. He was usually gone before morning came.

It hurt you every time but you always came back for more. You need him, even if he doesn’t need you. It’s always been Dean. You could never love anyone else the way you love him. You know there have been other women. You will never be his one and only. You’ve accepted that. But the fact he always comes back to you has to mean something, right?

Every time the two of you have sex he never knots you. He could be in the middle of his rut but he still never knots you. One night after a few drinks, you asked him why. He just laughed at you. He told you that because you were only Beta, you couldn’t handle it. He didn’t want to hurt you with it. Your biology makes taking a knot nearly impossible. He said, “Betas aren’t supposed to mate with Alphas,” as if it was the most casual statement in the world. 

It took a lot of effort but you were able to bite back your tears at that response. You were grateful he was willing to be so honest with you but the truth hurt. You have always been insecure about being a Beta. After that Friday night in October, you spent the rest of your childhood praying you’d present as an Omega, Dean’s Omega. You dreamt of that star-crossed lover fantasy. Your parents kept you apart for years but you would find your way back to your true mate in the end. But that romantic illusion wasn’t your fate. Being his Omega was never your fate. 

You come from a family of Betas. You were never going to be anything else. But still that hope kept you warm on long nights when your parents left you alone while they were on a hunt. The memory of being in Dean’s arms is the only thing that kept you going. It gave you something to look forward to. But now, you are well past the age of even late presentation. That hope is gone. And the best you are offered is drunken trysts with the Alpha you love who will never be able to love you back.

He needs an Omega. And you will never be one. You will never be his. You will always be a placeholder until he finds his true mate. You hope that day never comes. You know it’s selfish but you couldn’t bear it. You have made it your life’s mission to be enough for him. But you know you are failing miserably. Despite that, you can’t help but think that one day he’ll look past your genetics and mate you. 

Every time you have sex you bear your neck to him but he never claims you. Sometimes, he’ll give you a hickey that lasts a couple days at most but never cements your bond. You know it’s impossible for an Alpha to mate a Beta but you wish he’d at least try. 

One time, you even tried presenting for him. You got on your hands and knees and presented yourself to him like an Omega would, but he didn’t even notice. He just started fucking you without a second thought. To him, he was just taking you from behind. 

You settle into bed and lie awake thinking of your past with Dean. Any other person, someone less desperate and masochistic, would have walked away by now. But you can’t do that. 

Your phone lights up the dark room. Dean is calling you back. You spring toward your phone and answer it after the second ring. His voice is empty. He doesn’t sound like himself. He doesn’t tell you what is wrong. He just asks where you are and hangs up the phone. 

A few hours later, Dean is at your door. His eyes are glistening with tears and you almost break down at the sight. But you remain firm for him. Whatever happened, you will get him through it. You will be his rock. 

Dean pushes into your room. “Sam’s gone,” is all he says. 

“You don’t mean…” you can’t say the words. The boys told you a little bit about what was going on with the apocalypse. They told you that Lucifer and Michael wanted to hash out their family drama using tailor-made Winchester meat suites. But you still can’t let yourself believe Sam may have said yes to the devil. 

Dean nods and he steals a bottle of whiskey off your counter. He takes a swig before elaborating. “Sam said yes. Then he jumped into the cage, taking Michael and Lucifer with him.” Dean tries to give you the cliff-notes version. He can’t stand the thought of reliving the moment he had to say goodbye to his brother. He can’t stand the thought of you knowing he was a failure. He couldn’t save Sam or Adam. It was always supposed to be Dean who went down, not his brothers. 

He needed to see you. You are the one constant in his life. You’re always there for him. You always put him back together and make him feel as though he is capable of anything. He needs that right now. He needs you to look at him the way you always do, like he is your hero. He needs you to put him back together if he is ever going to get on with his life. He knows he needs to move on. But he needs your help to do that. He needs you to give him that push, a little boost of confidence so he can leave this life behind. 

“We’ll get him out,” you assure Dean but he shakes his head.

“Not this time. That kid sacrificed himself for us, for everyone. I can’t undo that for my own selfish reasons. I wouldn’t know how even if I wanted to,” Dean polishes off half the bottle. 

You stride over to him and swallow your tears. Sam was your best friend. Under normal circumstances, his death would kill you. But you don’t have that luxury. You have to be strong for Dean. You wrap your arms around his waist and rest your head against his chest. You try and transfer every ounce of comfort you can muster. 

Dean doesn’t return your embrace. Fresh tears well in his eyes at your touch. He takes another long swig of whiskey. He throws the bottle across the room and grips the backs of your thighs. He hoists you up so your legs wrap around him. He carries you to the bed and throws you down onto it. 

Your pajama pants are ripped down your legs in seconds. He pushes his jeans down just enough to expose his aching cock. He hovers in over you and presses a soft kiss you your lips. Its gentle nature reminds you of your first kiss. But seconds later, his thick Alpha cock is filling you to the hilt. Those sweet memories are pushed from your mind. He didn’t prepare you or start off slow. But you bite back your cries of pain as he splits you open. He needs this. You’ll give him anything he needs. 

He fucks into you at an angry pace. He is taking his frustration out on you. You are a safe place to release his pain. You squeeze your eyes shut and wait for the pain to turn into pleasure. It takes a while, but it eventually happens. His bruising fingers push up your shirt just enough to expose your breasts. He grips them with more force than you’re used to. He bites down over your left nipple and sucks it between his teeth. You cannot stifle your mixed cries of discomfort and desire. 

He rams into you harder as his release nears. Your eyes fly open when you feel his knot catch on your entrance. Your hips try to jerk away at the stretching sensation but he holds you down. Under his weight you are kept still as he forces his knot inside you. When it erupts, you scream in agony. Betas aren’t meant to take an Alpha’s knot and now you know why. It feels like someone is using a dull and rusted needle to sew you two together. He is locked within you. Your legs wrap around him as he gives you a few lazy thrusts as he empties himself inside you. 

For years, you wanted his knot. You know your body is not supposed to take it so willingly but it does. It hurt at first but now all you feel is content. You never found your orgasmic release, but you found something better. You found an unprecedented intimacy with the Alpha of your dreams. 

He rests his head on your chest and you stroke his hair as you wait for his knot to go down. You swear you almost heard him purr against you. Neither of you care that you are supporting his full weight. You both need this connection. You smile to yourself as you finally are able give the Alpha what he needs. You defied the odds of your biology and took his knot. Maybe you can take his claim too. But you can worry about that later. Once he gets back on track, you’ll talk about what this means. You don’t want him making any rash decisions in this state. You have the rest of your lives.   

His knot dies down and he slips out of you. You cannot stifle a hiss at the sensation. 

Worry creases his brows. He leans back over you to pull your shirt down and your pants back up your legs. He knows you didn’t cum but now you’re probably in too much pain to get there. “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t meant to go that far. It won’t happen again. Are you alright?”

You give him a warm smile and you see the tension leave him, if only for a moment. “It’s fine, Dean. I liked it,” you tell the truth. “I may be a little sore tomorrow but then again, I usually am.” You try teasing him to lighten the mood. 

The corner of Dean’s mouth turns upward but it doesn’t reach his eyes. 

“Come on, let’s go to sleep. We can talk in the morning.” You scoot up the bed and pull on his hand. You can tell he hasn’t gotten a proper rest in a long time. 

Dean slips his hand out of yours. He pulls up his pants and refastens them. “I-I think I should go get us some food.” Dean says as though he is trying to come up with an excuse to not get into the bed. 

“If you’re hungry, I can go get something for us or I can go with you,” you offer as you get up. 

“No,” Dean says as he comes to block your way. “Stay here. Rest until I come back for you.” He gives you a half-hearted smile before his eyes drop to the ground. “I – I…” there is something on the tip of Dean’s tongue that he wants to say but can’t, not yet.

Your heart stops at his almost-admission. The shy look on his face tells you he may finally be ready to tell you he loves you. But you put an end to his hesitation. Like you said, now isn’t the time for rash decisions. You don’t want him saying something he may regret later. Your heart couldn’t take it if once the dust settles, he wants to take it all back. 

Once he has a clear mind, you can talk about everything. You can talk about him claiming you. You can talk about maybe getting out of the hunting life together. It has always been a secret dream of yours. You only stayed in this life because of him. After you avenged your parents, you were going to quit. But then you ran back into the Winchesters and you couldn’t leave them behind. You couldn’t leave them alone to endure this harsh and painful life on their own. You wouldn’t do that to them. You also realize you can’t get out on your own. You need him bedside you. But now, Sam is gone. It’s only you and Dean. There is nothing holding you back. 

Maybe you can have that apple pie life together he always jokes about. 

You raise on your tiptoes and kiss Dean. It is a chaste and comforting kiss that is full of promise. He accepts it and holds you in his arms for a lingering moment. It is the best moment of your life. For second, you each forget about the hell waiting for you outside the motel walls. You forget the pain of losing Sam and that a world exists outside of each other’s arms. 

But Dean breaks the kiss and reality rushes back into the room. “Thank you for this,” he says as he lowers his gaze to the floor. He leaves without another word. 

An hour passes and you start pacing the room. Dean still isn’t back yet and you’re getting worried. You feel it is too soon for you to call, so you wait. Another forty-five minutes passes and your restraint crumbles. You pull out your phone and call home. Voicemail. You hang up and try again. Voicemail. That pattern repeats itself for the next ten minutes. 

You try to calm yourself down. This is Dean Winchester. He can handle anything. No matter what may have interrupted his food run, he can handle it. But then you remember the thought that keeps you up at night: Dean Winchester is his own worst enemy. Nothing in this world can bring Dean down except for himself. A panic rushes through you as you imagine what Sam’s death may cause him to do. 

He promised he wouldn’t try to get Sam out. But it wouldn’t be unreasonable to assume he would do something stupid because he couldn’t handle the loss. Sam was his world. Ever since they were kids, it was always him and Sam. You don’t think Dean knows how to cope without him. It was different when Sam went to Stanford, he was still alive, still safe. But now that he is in hell, so is Dean. 

Your worry has driven you to track his phone. He is headed out of town. You get in your car and follow his trail. The drive is uncomfortable due to the soreness in your core but you push past it and drive forward.  

You are over two hours behind him. So, by the time you catch up to him, the Impala is parked in a random suburban street and Dean is nowhere around. You scan your surroundings for any place he could be. There is something familiar about this area but you can’t quite place it. Why did he stop here, on this apple pie street in the middle of America?

But then you see it, you see him. Dean is sitting at a kitchen table in front of a big bay window. There is a kid sitting across from him as Dean nurses a glass of whiskey. You then realize where you are. Familiarity cements into realization. You’ve been here before. You came here while Dean was living out his greatest hits before he was dragged down to hell. That was the worst year of your life so you tend to block out most of it, that’s why you didn’t recognize it at first. You shake your head as if by sheer force of will you can make this unreal. 

Then you see her, Lisa Braeden. Or as Sam once called her ‘the Omega that got away’ or more specifically ‘the Omega Dean let slip away’. You never met her yourself. You kept your distance when Dean came here to live out his final fantasy with the former yoga instructor. You didn’t want to get in his way but you also couldn’t bear to see it. You’ve seen pictures of her though. You’d know her anywhere. She is his Omega. 

Lisa sets down plates of food on the table in front of Dean. He smiles. He actually smiles and it’s a real smile. He never did that when he came to see you earlier in the night. You may have gotten his lips to curl but you never got his eyes to beam. And a smile is all in the eyes. She can give that to him. She can make him happy. Even from across the street you can see that clear as day.

She can give him an apple pie life with no fuss or confusion. He can slip right in and find a waiting home. 

You try to see if Dean has left a claiming mark on her neck already, the mark you could never and now will never bare. You are across the street and can’t see that kind of detail from where you are standing. But you assume if she doesn’t already, she will by tonight. 

Your eyes water over as you realize that earlier he was not trying to tell you he loved you. He was saying goodbye. 

You let out a humourless laugh at your own stupidity. 

You don’t want to interrupt him as he settles into his new life, his new family. He’s happy and you won’t ruin that. You are Beta. You now realize it was always a delusional fantasy that you could be enough for him. Your genetics have condemned you to a lonely fate. You know Omegas have a rough life. But you would endure all of it, if it meant you got to be Dean’s Omega. He will always be your Alpha, even if you are nothing to him. 

Now, it is your turn to say goodbye. You want him to know that you won’t bother him. He doesn’t have to worry about you turning up and bringing the dangers of his old life with you. You’ll continue hunting, you can’t get out on your own. Unlike him, you have nowhere to go. You’ll keep up the good fight but you’ll keep your distance from him and his new family. 

But first, you need to hear him say goodbye. You’ve loved him since you were children. You both deserve some semblance of closure as you move to the next chapter of your separate lives.

You pull out your phone and lean against the Impala. You dial his number for the last time. You watch him through the window. He pulls his phone out of his pocket, looks at the screen, then puts it away again. You squeeze your eyes shut and thick tears fall as he declines your call. Voicemail.

  
  



End file.
